By request (of a whopping two people), here is the list of things that have accompanied me along this journey. One of the most underrated perks of my current job is that I generally get about 30 minutes per day to read. You can get pretty far on that over 6 months.

If you missed the entire spiritual crisis post, it’s here.

To frame this a little, I’ve been part of what I would deem an Evangelical church for a decade, and my husband works in Evangelical ministry. I am deeply versed in those views, so on this journey I’ve sought out very different views on purpose.

Books

Please buy from an independent seller. Elizabeth’s Bookshop supports a Black woman who does a lot of liberation work. BookPeople is an Austin institution that means a lot to the city. I know it takes longer and costs shipping, but these places are community hubs. It’s worth $6 and 2 days to keep dozens of people employed in a place that brings joy and life and knowledge.

• This might be obvious, but I’ve spent a little time in the Bible. I assume you can find one through Google, so no link here.

• Bringing Up Kids When the Church Lets You Down by Bekah McNeel. This was the book that started it all for me. I had not known anyone to be so gracious in their lack of judgment, questioning in their faith, or loving in their view of Jesus. This might sound funny now, but I honestly didn’t realize that Christianity could be life-giving and so merciful. I read it because Bekah is a friend, but looking back, I see that this was the book that began my entire spiritual journey.

• The Life We’re Looking For: Reclaiming Relationship in a Technological World by Andy Crouch. I highly recommend this book to anyone who is concerned about our increasingly tech-driven society and the implications of it. Some of us call it “capitalism” or “white supremacy” or “patriarchy” or “greed”, but Crouch introduced me to the concept of Mammon, which felt far more accurate.

• Love Wins: A Book About Heaven, Hell, and the Fate of Every Person Who Ever Lived by Rob Bell. I could not put this one down. It was so healing, and I promptly read it again when I finished. This book has done more to shift my outlook on God than anything I’ve ever read. It’s easily readable and written more like he’s talking directly to you.

• There is an incredibly poignant, funny, scathing memoir of growing up in Branson and lighting out for the Big Apple coming soon from my friend Mattie Jo. Until she releases it in September, you’ll have to settle for her blog. Start here: Date to Marry, Part 1. “I have personally never understood the altar call at Evangelical weddings thing. Isn’t mostly everyone there already a Christian? Are they really using up precious paid venue time for like, the one cousin who moved to Portland and got her nipples pierced? One lost sheep, I suppose.”

• After Evangelicalism by David Gushee. I didn’t finish this one, but it’s me, not him. This is slightly more academic in tone. I did highlight a lot when I was reading it.

• Jesus and John Wayne: How White Evangelicals Corrupted a Faith and Fractured a Nation by Kristin Kobes Du Mez. Some of you will dislike it based on title alone, but take a chance. This is a serious history lesson with a lot of sources. Before you dismiss the history, at least face it first.

• Traveling Mercies and Dusk, Night, Dawn, both by Anne Lamott. She is the motherly love and energy we need.

• Devotions by Mary Oliver. It’s a book of poetry. Very spiritual and not religious. We all need more poetry in our lives.

• The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver. The only fiction to make the list, but fiction teaches us as much as non. A deep critique of religious rigidity, American ignorance, and the folly of mission work in a completely unfamiliar community.

• The Bible Tells Me So by Peter Enns. I didn’t finish this one, but it had some pretty mind-blowing hypotheses/ideas. Like, things that make you rethink the entire Bible.

• I Take My Coffee Black by Tyler Merritt. Oh man, this is the book I’m going to write someday. A very personal narrative that demonstrates systemic effects, a meditation on being Black in our country, a commentary on how quickly religion will slam doors on a sinner.

• Inspired: Slaying Giants, Walking on Water, and Loving the Bible Again by Rachel Held Evans. I underlined about half of this one. I felt so seen and loved while reading it. Evans gives us permission to have questions and to be angry. She also has some beautiful interpretations of Bible stories that made me see them in a whole new light.

• Searching for Sunday: Loving, Leaving, and Finding the Church by Rachel Held Evans. This book helped me discern what my critiques were of God vs the Bible vs the church, and it helped me unpack my own church experience.

• Recommendation from James: Gentle and Lowly: The Heart of Christ for Sinners and Sufferers by Dane Ortlund. I tried to read this one, but it was meant for someone with a deeper background in Biblical scholarship. I intend to pick it up again sometime though.

Songs

• All of Josh Ritter’s work reflects a meditation on modern Christianity. His album Sermon on the Rocks is great, but Getting Ready to Get Down is a perpetual anthem of mine. “When you get damned in the popular opinion, it’s just another damn of the damns you’re not giving”.

• “But Daddy I Love Him” by Taylor Swift, which is ostensibly about romance but someone on Reddit said it’s about deconstruction, and now I can’t stop hearing it that way. “I just learned these people try and save you ‘cause they hate you.”

• “The Blessing / Doxology” by various artists. I can’t listen to this one without crying. James and I have talked so much about generational blessings and generational curses, and this song brings up all my feels about building a better life for my kids.

• “So Will I” by Hillsong (yiiiikes Hillsong, I know guys. But it’s a good song!). A moving and beautiful tribute to how God appears in nature and has planned Creation from the beginning. Also a tearjerker for me.

People: Community is where we find our strength. I’ve carefully chosen my disclosures because you can’t just sit down with anyone and tell them you’re in a spiritual crisis. Now it’s on the whole internet though, so here we are. I am thankful for friends of differing faith traditions who have lent me their ears and answered my questions. Your empathy, lack of judgment, and ability to sit in it with me have been so important.

If you’re going through something similar, find your people. It might be your unassuming neighbor who came over for brisket, and then you asked him how he sees the entanglement of religion and politics. It might be your worship leader who causes even your cold agnostic heart to have the feels. Maybe it’s someone you literally had dinner with once before spilling your guts and asking for spiritual guidance. Whoever it is, trust your instinct that these are the right folks. We aren’t meant to walk this alone.